Even when the room is full, even when everyone's laughing, even when I myself laugh so much my stomach hurts. Even then, it hurts. Or is it just empty?
It gets to me sometimes, the thought of how lonely I actually am. How lonely every single one of us is. You will never truly know you nor will you ever really be known by someone, and most definitely will never really know anyone, and that is the most frightening thing in the Universe.
I have my secret corners that I visit only occasionally, so rarely I often forget they are there. But oh, the times I do remember. I get to feel this overwhelming hole spreading through my veins and bones. Like a black cloud, so heavy and full of rain which never gets poured out.
And I close the doors, even all the windows of my mind. I do it so carefully and silently, no one ever finds out. As the time pass, I'm not even sure anymore I want someone to realize.
It's twisted, but a part of me enjoys the days I spend locked up in a dark cloud. It does, it does very much, it believes I am my true self only then. A thought so strong in my mind, even my little heart believes it.
And so I stand, watch everyone I love from above, from the side, from under them, whatever. I think about how lucky I am to have them, about how happy they are and will probably never be aware of that. It sends a smiley thought to my brain.
And then, I shall continue to live my black hole of a insidious life. Having an illusion of feeling too much yet deep down not caring at all. Being confused in my loneliness and being lost in my eternally strange world. Not seeing an opportunity to swim out of it. Not developing a wish to do so.
It gets to me sometimes, the thought of how lonely I actually am. How lonely every single one of us is. You will never truly know you nor will you ever really be known by someone, and most definitely will never really know anyone, and that is the most frightening thing in the Universe.
I have my secret corners that I visit only occasionally, so rarely I often forget they are there. But oh, the times I do remember. I get to feel this overwhelming hole spreading through my veins and bones. Like a black cloud, so heavy and full of rain which never gets poured out.
And I close the doors, even all the windows of my mind. I do it so carefully and silently, no one ever finds out. As the time pass, I'm not even sure anymore I want someone to realize.
It's twisted, but a part of me enjoys the days I spend locked up in a dark cloud. It does, it does very much, it believes I am my true self only then. A thought so strong in my mind, even my little heart believes it.
And so I stand, watch everyone I love from above, from the side, from under them, whatever. I think about how lucky I am to have them, about how happy they are and will probably never be aware of that. It sends a smiley thought to my brain.
And then, I shall continue to live my black hole of a insidious life. Having an illusion of feeling too much yet deep down not caring at all. Being confused in my loneliness and being lost in my eternally strange world. Not seeing an opportunity to swim out of it. Not developing a wish to do so.
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