It's probably no one else's fault but mine, for feeling this overwhelming desire for nothing and everything. And by "nothing and everything", yes, I do think of death. Or maybe it's life? Seems like I'm never gonna wake up knowing that one.
I never said I wanted to be awake at 2am, listening to the most dreadfully screaming songs on my playlist, where every high and every down of the heavy metal compositions is perfectly compatible to my heartbeat. I never asked for 2pm moments where I wish it was the am, so no one could see me while I 100 percent freely feel what I am feeling.
From this perspective, I know I'd be the worst of the bad girl culture, only if I was surrounded by different kind of people. I know for a fact I'd be the one who'd get tipsy, drunk and high first. I'd wear all black and ripped, I'd wing my eyeliner bolder, I'd have my darkest lipstick smuggled on daylight, cigarette never out of left hand, weekend never without an alcoholic rendezvous, partying always skyscraper high, motivation for being a non-reckless teenager forever low. In my head, I am. But everything out of it is the pure contrast. I wear black a lot but never too much, because I know the people around me would have comments. I drink occasionally and too rarely to be considered drinking. I start coughing like an old man just by sniffing the smoke, and I have never in my entire life seen any kind of drug or weed or pot, except on photos of the boys who are "that kind of cute". I never went to an actual party. And I have motivation for nothing but to be a little bit more reckless.
My friends, they are nice, they are the right kind of people to be around, they are the best, most loyal and caring people I have ever had a chance to meet. They despise all the things I secretly feel and could never imagine anyone of us being the person that was described few sentences before. Having them, it's guaranteed there's no danger of me being a bad bitch that I sometimes long to be. It's saving me.
But in this very moment, it's killing me.
I think too much and over think even more. Realize things that don't even have the base for being realized and see what's not there to be seen. I feel like there is a pressure on me, to always be decent. And I'm lost and greedy for freedom and just a press that easy seems unbearable. By knowing people too well, you get a blueprint of the way their brain functions stuck in your mind, and it's hell. You know exactly how they're gonna react, and read their mind, seeing opinions they were never asked for. You end up right every single time, every once in a while you risk your chances despite of knowing the actions that are to come.
Eventually, you get bored and turn to yourself. Just like I did long ago.
More and more often I find myself sitting, looking at everything at once and nothing at all. Maybe writing down carelessly what's on my mind, maybe being tired to do so. But never without music on full blast. It mostly coming from my headphones. Because, if played out loud, my music would give out way too much, and they would "realize" but never understand. And I've had enough of this world and it's lack of ability to understand. So, I play my screams and drown in them.
It used to be One Direction and cheesy lines of condolence, then Lana Del Rey and her tears of understanding. That could be played out loud. But then came a moment my mind needed something sharp to clear it up.
That kind of melody, it may told me life's worth living, it may sang about my darkest dark, it may gave away the secret I needed to hear. I don't know. Letting it come to me, we screamed altogether with my mouth staying strictly shut.
I guess the more screaming song it is, the more the mind has to scream about.
And if I started to give out my screams, the whole world, except the part who should, would understand why once upon a time I wished to end with whispers forever.
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