"Comfortably Numb"

I love writing, thinking, philosophizing. It's my life. And yet, in that exact same life, I hate defining "things". There's some kind of satisfaction in letting things just be. When you are the person who wishes to be free in every meaning of freedom, it's natural to give that freedom to everyone and everything around you.
If I was to have a boy to love, talk 'till dawn, have sex with, I'd never call him my boyfriend. I'd never say how we are in a relationship, I wouldn't define us as complicated, I wouldn't say he's just a friend. He'd be mine, I'd be his, and we wouldn't be anyone's. I hate having to clarify who my "best friend" is. No one. I do have friends and they're far from equal in my heart. And no, I wouldn't use the term "best friend" if it wasn't for the shallow simplicity of the society members. They're all such different people, some more, some less compatible to the creation of myself, but not at all formed to be compared.
What am I feeling, it's a whole spectrum and it's indescribable. The closest I could get to explaining it would be through colours and songs. Today I am plum purple and The Ramones. Freshmen year, I was the grayest gray and Born To Die, Lana Del Rey. When I graduate I wish to be fierce bordeaux, dark red an You Could Be Mine melody of Guns N' Roses.
It's so comfortable, free, "I don't care" spirit. You feel what you feel and are what you are, for you and the ones who understand you. Once you start being this person, a ton of weight slips down your shoulders. You tell everyone to fuck off, perhaps feeling it's too kind. No one controls you. All flesh and blood barriers are kicked down, automatically your own self-doubts are taken away, too.
You don't necessarily become the crazy rock star who appears drunk and high on every concert and shouts from the rooftops that they are living the dream, but that kind of person would be proud of you.
It's all fucking amazing, isn't it?
Yeah, it is, if you are the type of person who would know to keep the balance.
I most definitely am not.
Nowadays, this refusing to define things thing started to feel as a deeply buried fear of emotions, growing up and being hurt. When you don't have an exact condition, it lessens the possibility of being hurt directly. When wanting to start a war, the offending side does not attack until sure what it is attacking. Being that strong and independent kills your possibility of functioning, not normally, but successfully.  You abandon yourself from the world, which actually has some extraordinary things to offer. More importantly, you abandon yourself from your whole being.
At least I did.
That crazy side is a hell of a passionate one, and extremes often ruin you. The sad thing is, that's not even a glimpse of the whole person you are.
It's a logical error to say something in a debate that speaks the direct opposite of your belief, but it's not in life.
I guess there is a moment when you really need to be a bit grown-upy and mature.
Don't be afraid to feel abstract, but also, don't be threatened by the hard ground.
That guy, one day he'll have to become your real something or nothing, and also you'll point a finger at a friend and say "yeah, it's them".
You'll be this sure rock, then they'll bring you down. You'll be this muddy puddle of a human, then you'll stop and kick yourself in the head and get a reality check. It'll suck. Fuck, it'll tear down your world and all of it's walls, once again. But person you'll be after...oh, that's once in a lifetime of a phenomena.
I guess I believe in that person. No matter how much chaotic and confused it gets. It'll be the brightest one, shaped in the melody of Beethoven's No. 5 Symphony.